My Family Is Driving Me Crazy.
So Today, You Get This. Enjoy!
Did I tell you yet that my family is driving me crazy? No? Let me do that now.
So, I’m into week three of the big visit from my daughter, soon to be ex son-in law and all three grand kids. No, it hasn’t killed me (yet) No, I haven’t killed anyone (yet) But, I can actually feel my patience level shaking like an addict with a crack pipe. For real, shaking! Teetering on the balance beam. On one side is some duct tape, plastic wrap and a syringe filled with whatever that stuff my sexy Dexter the serial killer uses to knock other serial killers out with. On the other side is… well… oh who am I kidding, the other side has the same crap. If one more person asks for a drink after they are in bed, puts sticky jelly hands on my walls or I hear “I’m dooooone, come wipe my buuuutt“… the poop is really going to hit the fan. Literally. Pun intended.
My family is driving me crazy!
I’ve gotten so many comments, letters and emails from you guys how great I am dissin’ about how my family is driving me crazy without sounding like a bitter, angry, bitchy mom but I am so not sure this extended visit won’t turn me into exactly that. Bitter and angry. I feel it happening. Just yesterday, Jaymie (she’s 2, almost 3) of course had to poop. Into the bathroom she goes and I sit waiting for the inevitable call to come wipe another poopy butt. She calls, I come in to find an entire roll of toilet paper floating on top of the teeniest, tiniest little piece of rabbit turd poop I’ve ever seen. Here’s that convo:
Me: Jaymie, why didn’t you call me before you used a whole roll of toilet paper?
Her: ‘Cuz I wipeded my butts by Jaymie’s own self.
Me: But Jaymie, you didn’t need to use a whole roll did you?
Her: Of course I haz to silly Grandma, Jaymie had to clean all the poop I gots on the toilet off wif sompin!
After bleaching down the bathroom and dunking her in the tub, I drank the whole box of wine I had in the ‘fridge and called it a night. This was only after pulling a quarter out of my laptop’s memory card slot because Ethan tried to pay for some online game that way. And Bracston (he’s 3 almost 4) filled the fish tank up with legos, Lincoln logs and a book. After all, they might get bored, need toys and want to read he says. !!!??? My family is driving me crazy!
Do you know how hard it is to be witty, snarky and make you people laugh at my families antics without sounding angry and bitter while my daughter slept on the couch through all of that? It’s rough. So, because my family is driving me crazy, I stole more stuff from the internet. Naturally!
I did a Google search for random things and phrases relating to my family is driving me crazy and ya know what? I’m totally not alone! Your families are driving you crazy too! There’s some funny ass shit out there! Reading about everyday people’s problems and finding these cool pictures totally helped me stay put on the balance beam just a bit longer too. Here’s what I collected.
First, there’s a super book to read to kids (and, yes, we absolutely have it!) called “Go The F**k To Sleep” You should read it. There’s also an audio version of Samuel L Jackson reading it and OMGLeeeee! Funniest thing ever! (not really meant for the kids to hear, fair warning)
Now here’s a sweet gem of a title for a book someone definitely should write! I found this picture on one of those humor pages where all the mommy’s talk about how my family is driving me crazy but they remain anonymous and all so no one knows they really aren’t all hearts and rainbows. Don’t judge, they have to get it out too! Preach sista!
Exactly! ‘Nuff said…
And then, just when I thought all the stories and images I found about my family is driving me crazy were going to be all along the crazy train kind of theme, I found this! For real, there it was just glowing like a beacon on a dark foggy night. It for sure was smashed into those my family is driving me crazy images by unicorns sliding down rainbows by the fairy hobmother just waiting for me to find it.
And ya know what? All was right with the world! Because if Joe Manganiello’s 8 pack doesn’t perk up your day and make all those thoughts of my family is driving me crazy that you have going on up in your head too, honey, you got some serious issues! And Jerry Springer is waiting for your call. Or, I have some duct tap, plastic wrap and a syringe filled with Dexter juice I can send your way!