Twitter Party Or Twatter Party? Perimenopause Or Raging Bitch?

Twitter Party Or Twatter Party?
Perimenopause Or Raging Bitch?

So last week, I participated in a Twitter party because my friend Melissa over at The Kids Are Grown Now What was a host. It was for Poise. You know, the pad for that ‘other’ leaky problem. I think because September is Menopause Awareness Month or some noise. Well, I thought all that Poise made were those ‘other’ pads. I don’t need those, but I do need those awesome gift cards you win at twitter parties, so I showed up.  And, I’m a good friend, let’s not forget that. Anyways, I totally won a $50 gift card, which is full of the awesome. Also, I learned it wasn’t quite a twitter party but more of a twat – er party since the whole topic was all about ‘the change’. The TWAT’s they are a changin’.

And… I learned stuff! Not good stuff! Shitty stuff! Perimenopause??!

For a little over a year now, there’s been some pretty weird shit happening. Some seriously weird shit that can only be explained by like, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. Or, something.

I’m convinced my house is playing mind tricks on me. Well, body tricks in this case. It alternates between freezing, ice cold and  sweltering, drippy, hot – like.this.quick. Snap your fingers and it’s 125*. Blink your eyes and I’ll be damned if it didn’t drop close to 25*. Look, there it goes now! Did you feel it? No? Neither does anyone else!

Oh! I almost forgot. I’ve had some problems with my memory. My quick, sharp witty mind seems useless when you only come up with sharp, quick, witty comments 10 minutes after a conversation ends, right? And also… I’m having some sort of problems with my memory.

Insomnia. My mind? It won’t shut up. My body? It’s dead ass tired. Like some little old lady (no jokes, this is serious) I’m ready for bed at like 8PM. Even Ethan stays awake later than I do. And remember, he’s 6! WTF is that? In my 20′s, I was quite the party girl. Clicking my stiletto heels out ’till the wee hours. Shooting down the Patron. Wearing my tightest non-mom jeans and ‘Oh look at my boobies’ shirt doing the electric slide and partying like a rock star. And now? At 42, I’m sitting on the couch watching Law & Order. Sipping herbal tea and shuffling  around in my jammies. Who am I? Where is Ronni and what did those body snatchers do with her?

And can someone tell me why every single person I know has suddenly turned into an ass? Could this be why my family is driving me crazy? Why do they go out of their way to push my buttons? I seem to go from 0 to psycho, raging bitch in just about 3.2 seconds. It’s useful only because I developed this other new affliction too. STOP TOUCHING ME! I’m hot, sweaty and kinda bitchy, right? Why touch me and be all up into my space? You people are sucking all my cool air. I’m not saying go away. Just stay out of my ‘bubble’… ya know? Is this happening to anyone other than me? It’s the body snatchers isn’t it?

And I wasn’t going to ask this but, I’ve clearly crossed over into TMI already, so… where are all these stray hairs on my chin coming from??? I mean, come on.

Perimenopause Body Snatchers!

So that’s what I was thinking until the now infamous Twat ‘er party. (Did I tell you I won $50? I can’t remember) But, I saw the word perimenopause dropped a few times and I kinda, maybe think some of it might apply. I’m not totally convinced. That perimenopause thing and all the other * pause type things are for women who are clearly older than myself, right? I may have shut the baby making factory down by tying up those tubes after I pushed out the last crotch monkey, but I still drop those eggs every month.

Clearly my eggs aren’t all dry, shriveled up and rotting away. Once a month like clock work mother nature assures me that I can bleed and breed with the best of them. Still rockin’ that PMS thing too. So, how can it be both ways? How can I still qualify for breeder status and have these perimenopause symptoms at the same time? BODY SNATCHERS!

After checking perimenopause with the authority of all things medical, WebMD, it says these shenanigans start when women enter their 40′s. Ok fine, check. But just barely. Also, it says this bullshit can last for up to 10 years! UUmmm… No thank you. I don’t think my family will stick with my new bitchy self for 10 years. I’ll be a lonely cat lady long before that. But… no one will be touching me or sucking my air. That would be OK.

Other than a frozen bag of peas from the freezer and a nice bottle of wine, it says to go on birth control for these freezing cold / sweltering hot flashy thingys. Come on. I paid good money to cut, tie and burn those tubes. How am I supposed to even remember to take a pill each day? Hello! Memory problems, remember??

Also, one very sad side effect could be a reduced sex drive! Despite the Hollywood ‘cougar’ image they throw out where us 40 year old’s start chasing the pool boy or gardner around the house, it’s more likely that we revert to the ‘Don’t touch me’ syndrome. Poor Grandpa. Don’t tell him this yet.

Oh! And get this! It says if it’s this redonkulous perimenopause crap, I could put on weight! Like that’s going to help me not be bitchy. If all my jeans stop going over my butt without doing that laying on the bed, wiggle dance… of course I’m going to be grumpy! And, even more hot and sweaty! That’s like a whole work out routine tight there. I’m thinking there will probably be some crying involved to… not cool.

I conducted a completely random and totally unscientific type poll by scouting out some other blogs this week. (sorry mommy bloggers, you didn’t get the pageviews for this, my baby boomer peeps did) It seems there is a miracle cure husbands, boyfriends, significant others can get to help those of us suffering from body snatcher / perimenopause! It’s an all natural mineral but effective doses can be pretty pricey. Diamonds!

Perimenopause Cure
Marilyn Was right! 

When the (me) poor woman starts getting grumpy or weepy, hand her a diamond. Instant smiley face! If that whole decreased sex drive thing starts to creep up… BAM! 1 big old rock of a diamond will fix that right away! Ya might even have a reason now to be all hot and sweaty!! AmIRght???

All right, time for the peanut gallery to have their say. Do I suffer from Invasion of The Body Snatchers? Could it be this shitty perimenopause thingy-ma-jigger? And! Do I have to give back the $50 from the twitter / twat -ter party? It may not pay for the miracle mineral cure but it could buy some decent wine…

Discuss….