My Not So Funny Kidney Stones Story, Naturally I’m Going To Blog That
I’m saying it. Kidney Stones suck ass. There. And, to spare you the really messed up details, I’ll send you over to read up on Kidney Stones facts here. No reason to mess up a great pity party story with all the dry facts, right? Just the hysterical, pain filled antics. Because why not?
Kidney Stones Part 1
For those of you who were not in the group of 7 readers I had back in 2011, I wrote a short post about getting old and kidney stones. This will now become known as “Kidney Stones Part 1”. I think we’re probably up to a 5th sequel by now. But, just as all movies with a kick ass original that should never be remade, neither should kidney stones. I did get my beloved Dilaudid. The nurse made a hysterical joke saying ‘This too shall pass’… (it was waaaay funny with the Dilaudid in an IV) And, eventually it did. Fast forward 4 unnecessary remakes to last week….
I have the kidney stones thing again!!! And, they are still so obnoxiously painful. You think they’d get more tolerable over time but no. Since I’ve pushed out 3 crotch monkeys, I can give my expert opinion that yes, they are indeed just as bad as child birth and labor. But maybe not quite as bad as what a zombie feels when you stick a screwdriver in it’s brain because everyone knows that’s the only way to really kill a zombie. Well, assuming zombies can feel anything. Which, I can’t attest to, yet.
I found this super hilar video that really puts a visual to what I’m trying to say. The Modern Family one, that was me! Don’t judge… these suckers are painful! Did I say that yet?
Quick Break From Kidney Stones Story….
You know when you are sitting on the toilet after not being able to poop for a bit ‘cuz narcotic pain meds get you all blocked up and you think it’s going to be all awesome sauce and relief, finally? But then when you finally start to poop you get all hot and sweaty and a wave of “OMG, I’m going to puke now too, super” comes over you. So you grab the 1st thing you see (which is the sweatpants you just took off) and not the garbage can sitting right next to you because that would actually make sense? But rather than actual ‘puke’ coming out, it’s blood and you have a total panic attack because clearly these kidney stones have now caused you to have some very rare and incurable disease so you call your husband who’s in the other room playing SongPop, but he’s a paramedic so he can fix this. But rather than fix anything his eyes get all big and he says “Why the fuck are you puking blood!!??” And you say “I don’ know asshole, that’s your job and BTW I hope you don’t go into strangers homes and find them sitting on the toilet pooping and puking blood and say that, ‘cuz it’s not very reassuring.” But he at least switches out your blood puke sweats for a towel and then sits there watching with huge eyes going WTF over and over and over?? No? Ok, guess that’s just me then. Anyways, THAT happened, and that’s why there’s a full 11 days in between this craptastic kidney stones post and my last one. Just wanted to keep you updated. Carry on…
11 Days Later & My Kidney Stones Are…
Probably gone. I have no clue. The whole puking blood thing became way more important in my head because it’s seriously disturbing to do that even though we discovered it was just my ulcer. I’ve had that for about 25 years. They said it’s stress induced from too much stomach acid when I get all mental thinking in my head. No biggie really. Normally, it just makes me have a yucky acid taste in my mouth and a burning stomach so I don’t eat spicy foods for a few days and lock the kids in a closet with duct tape. Problem solved. But this time, it said “Fuck this, I’m outta here, here’s some blood to puke call me when you’re better”
Oh!! And yesterday was my birthday. It was awesome sauce, thanks for asking! How was your week?