My Not So Funny Kidney Stones Story, Naturally I’m Going To Blog That

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My Not So Funny Kidney Stones Story, Naturally I’m Going To Blog That

I’m saying it. Kidney Stones suck ass. There. And, to spare you the really messed up details, I’ll send you over to read up on Kidney Stones facts here. No reason to mess up a great pity party story with all the dry facts, right? Just the hysterical, pain filled antics. Because why not?

Kidney Stones Part 1

For those of you who were not in the group of 7 readers I had back in 2011, I wrote a short post about getting old and kidney stones. This will now become known as “Kidney Stones Part 1”. I think we’re probably up to a 5th sequel by now. But, just as all movies with a kick ass original that should never be remade, neither should kidney stones. I did get my beloved Dilaudid. The nurse made a hysterical  joke saying ‘This too shall pass’… (it was waaaay funny with the Dilaudid in an IV) And, eventually it did. Fast forward 4 unnecessary remakes to last week….

I have the kidney stones thing again!!! And, they are still so obnoxiously painful. You think they’d get more tolerable over time but no. Since I’ve pushed out 3 crotch monkeys, I can give my expert opinion that yes, they are indeed just as bad as child birth and labor. But maybe not quite as bad as what a zombie feels when you stick a screwdriver in it’s brain because everyone knows that’s the only way to really kill a zombie. Well, assuming zombies can feel anything. Which, I can’t attest to, yet.

I found this super hilar video that really puts a visual to what I’m trying to say. The Modern Family one, that was me! Don’t judge… these suckers are painful! Did I say that yet?

Quick Break From Kidney Stones Story….

You know when you are sitting on the toilet after not being able to poop for a bit ‘cuz narcotic pain meds get you all blocked up and you think it’s going to be all awesome sauce and relief, finally? But then when you finally start to poop you get all hot and sweaty and a wave of “OMG, I’m going to puke now too, super” comes over you. So you grab the 1st thing you see (which is the sweatpants you just took off) and not the garbage can sitting right next to you because that would actually make sense? But rather than actual ‘puke’ coming out, it’s blood and you have a total panic attack because clearly these kidney stones have now caused you to have some very rare and incurable disease so you call your husband who’s in the other room playing SongPop, but he’s a paramedic so he can fix this. But rather than fix anything his eyes get all big and he says “Why the fuck are you puking blood!!??” And you say “I don’ know asshole, that’s your job and BTW I hope you don’t go into strangers homes and find them sitting on the toilet pooping and puking blood and say that, ‘cuz it’s not very reassuring.” But he at least switches out your blood puke sweats for a towel and then sits there watching with huge eyes going WTF over and over and over?? No? Ok, guess that’s just me then. Anyways, THAT happened, and that’s why there’s a full 11 days in between this craptastic kidney stones post and my last one. Just wanted to keep you updated. Carry on…

11 Days Later & My Kidney Stones Are…

Probably gone. I have no clue. The whole puking blood thing became way more important in my head because it’s seriously disturbing to do that even though we discovered it was just my ulcer. I’ve had that for about 25 years. They said it’s stress induced from too much stomach acid when I get all mental thinking in my head. No biggie really. Normally, it just makes me have a yucky acid taste in my mouth and a burning stomach so I don’t eat spicy foods for a few days  and lock the kids in a closet with duct tape. Problem solved. But this time, it said “Fuck this, I’m outta here, here’s some blood to puke call me when you’re better

Oh!! And yesterday was my birthday. It was awesome sauce, thanks for asking! How was your week?

Comments

  1. I don’t even know what to say about this! I feel sorry for you, but yet I want to laugh, and then I also want to scream in horror!

    • Grandma Juice says:

      Interestingly enough, that’s EXACTLY what I did!! I screamed in horror first if you want to go about it the proper way 🙂

  2. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that this ordeal is over. Hugs sweetie.

  3. Oh geez, what a great way to spend your birthday! I have to say, though, only you could turn something so wretched into a humorous post. You’re uniquely talented!

  4. Happy Birthday to you. Hope you get to do some celebrating now that hopefully the kidney stones are gone again. I have never had them but the friends and relatives who have tell me it is a nightmare.

  5. LOL kiddy beans are horrible

  6. So sorry that you have to go through that yet again with the added joy of the blood vomiting. Sounds like too much fun for one person to have. Hope you are feeling better and get a redo on the Birthday! Happy Birthday by the way! ((HUGS))

  7. Kathy.... Yeah me :) says:

    It’s just because you are sooooo old. At your advanced age, you cannot be surprised to be having these issues. While I do feel for you, every day I’m thankful I’m never going to be older than you!!! ( I did good yesterday!! Today I couldn’t resist) love you really and am glad you are feeling better.

  8. That sounds awful, but I have to admit that I laughed a little at your sarcastic take on the whole thing. One day, you’ll look back on this and laugh.. right?

  9. Okay, I feel like I need to chime in here and defend my professional reputation a little, especially since I may be looking for a new paramedic/firefighter type job soon. Don’t worry; I’m sure Grandma Juice will blog about all that mess at some point. Anywho, so I’m playing SongPop, minding my own business, when I hear Grandma Juice say “Bruce…” (cause that’s my name, you didn’t think she called me Grandpa Juice, did you?). Note that I said I heard her “say”. Not yell, scream, or otherwise indicate that there was some sort of medical emergency in progress. So I’m figuring she needs a roll of toilet paper or something.

    Now, when I go to someone’s house who has called 911, I at least know that I am going to find a person (probably) that is having some sort of medical/mental/emotional issue. Not someone who needs toilet paper. So there is a different mindset. Of course the reason we’re given by dispatch never has anything to do with the actual reason we were called, but we’re still in that mindset of someone needs our help. So it isn’t at all surprising to get called out for say “chest pain” and find a car has fallen on someone’s chest. No big deal, no big surprise, just all in a days work.

    However, I bet the janitor that changes the toilet paper in Wal-Mart would freak the fuck out too if someone in the next stall called him over, and instead of needing toilet paper, they puked blood all over. So yes, I was rather surprised to see ‘hematemesis’ all over the sweats she was holding, with more coming right behind. And while I am intimately familiar with all of her medical issues and complications thereof, vomiting blood is a new one. Hence, the very reasonable question of “Why the FUCK are you vomiting blood?” I think that was a fair question to ask. Anyway, I could keep going on with this, but I don’t want to hijack Grandma Juice’s post, so I won’t. Suffice it to say, that the next time she gently calls me into the bathroom or wherever, if she is puking blood again, I’ll be all like “WTF that was my favorite towel!!” instead of just WTF!

  10. Oh my! I have never had Kidney stones but mom has been hospitalized for them and said it is 100 times worse than giving birth with no pain medications. Hope you get to feeling better soon.

  11. OMG – so sorry and how scary!! I’ve had kidney stones, which after they passed led to a nasty kidney infection, so I feel your pain, so to speak, but never thrown up blood. It would be hard to NOT freak out under those circumstances. Thanks for sharing (I think.)

  12. I have had my battle with stones. Oh they are horrid!

  13. Finally found the comment box that wouldn’t appear. Someone above me said it, Ronni only YOU could make something so AWFUL gut bustingly funny. How that must’ve sucked to go through all that the week of your birthday!

    So glad you survived to celebrate another bad ass birthday for a bad ass chick. You are too tough to let a kidney stone get you down. Hope you are feeling better, chica and you told those stones who’s boss!

    • Grandma Juice says:

      Oh I totally took it like a man. A screaming like a 14 yr old girl kinda man, but I showed those stones who’s boss and puked blood all over those fuckers… TAKE THAT STONES!

  14. Good Lord! That sounds awful! I hope you’re feeling a little better. And I hope I never go through this. Boo.

  15. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope it’s not like that if one of my gallstones start floating around.

  16. Wow, that is ultra crappy! I’ve been told the gallbladder stones are equivalent. I have had those. …WHILE I was preggo. Not fun. They can’t do much for them while you are preggo, not even give pain meds. IF you are near the end of the 2nd trimester they can operate and remove the gallbladder. But I had to wait for that to happen. They often made me puke because the pain was so severe. Oh, I do not cherish those memories. Thankfully I was able to get my gallbladder removed, but you can’t do that with your kidney. Which sucks. but I do have days every few months when my body goes on revolt and throws everything up for about 24-48 hrs straight, because it’s reacting to not having a gallbladder any longer. fun times.

    Sorry about your birthday. I hope you feel better soon and you can have a late celebration without pain and puking.

  17. I really hope you are feeling better! I can relate. I have had bouts with them since my teens. I ended up having Lipsotripsy on the one kidney to break them up. They are so freaking painful and I am sorry you had to go through!!!

  18. So sorry about your birthday. I hope you fee; better soon. Those kidney stones sure do sound painful.

  19. I feel for you! I know about them Kidney Stones! They are no joke. I have also pushed out three ‘crotch monkeys’ and can say they are very comparable. My first kidney stone came when I was only 17 years old. It was too big to pass and I had to have it surgically removed. Nope – not by the laser blaster either. That was fairly new then and the hospital didn’t have a permanent one. It came in a trailer every two weeks. It just had left – there was no way I was waiting two more weeks. Since the, I have had nine more… yes, a total of TEN! Ugh… I’m a pro now. They still hurt like hell though every time. I had one when I was about 8 months pregnant with my youngest too. That was BS.

    • Grandma Juice says:

      That’s total BS… growing a crotch monkey means no dilaudid!! See, they are always screwing things up for ya.

  20. I had kidney stones a few years ago and it was horrific. All of the people who compare it to childbirth were right!
    But I did not get Dilaudid. That was saved for after childbirth. Which is a long story/rant.

  21. Im in the process of passing a kidney stone. They are definitely not fun. This is my third one and I know it’s not my last. I feel your pain.

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