A 4 Year Old & A Dog Walk Into A Bathroom…

A 4 Year Old & A Dog Walk Into A Bathroom…

It occurred to me the other day that I have now been wiping someone else’s ass for roughly 25 years! How much time do you think I spend in a bathroom over the course of a year? I have LITERALLY been wiping another person’s ass after they shit for 25 long years! My talents are going unnoticed and wasted. But that’s a different story for my spread in Playboy….

What? It could Happen…

So as the 4 year old makes his morning trek to the bathroom, the dog always follows and the conversation is always much the same. The details change, but the flow rolls… like the toilet paper. Symbolic really.

“I’m Spider Man… Super Hero, web shooting, wall crawling crime fighter and world saver … I will DESTROY you! …. ‘Mama!! My poop is hard! Can you come in the bathroom with me? I think it’s stuck. I am trying to P U S H H H H but I can only fart. Does Spider Man ever get his poop stuck? Do the germs get stuck in your butt when you poop or do they ALL come out? We wash the germs off our hands when we finish pooping, did you know that? That’s so we don’t get sick. I don’t like being sick. Gilbert, the boy in my class, he was sick yesterday. Do you think he forgot to wipe his butt after he went to the bathroom? Sometimes he smells. I wonder if that smell is POOP! YUCK! His mommy should help him wipe his butt like you help me. You help me pour milk to huh? I like milk. But only in the blue cup and if it’s VERY cold. Milk in the green cup is yucky. And warm milk is yucky too. Did you know that? People can get sick if they drink warm milk. How do we get the warm milk sick germs out once they are inside our tummy? OH!! I know, we POOP!! I’m smart huh? I can count to 10 in Spanish wanna hear? Uno, Oh! I can P U S H H H H now! ‘Mama, does the germs in your poop make it smell? That’s why it smells, huh? Do all germs smell? If I smell stuff I’ll know if it’s all germy riiiight? My reading buddy at school has smelly breath but I don’t think she eats poop. I would NEVER eat poop. YUCK! I can P U S H H H again! ‘Mama our bathroom smells now. Can you spray for me? I like that smell. I’m doooooone come wiiiipe my buuuuut. Spinder Man to the RESCUE!

Haha Fucker!

(no, that’s not our 4 year old but somedays I wish it was so I could stand back and laugh while he gets all smelly from POOP GERMS!)


  1. I LOVE pooping kid stories!! Makes me feel so not alone in the world of wiping asses…of course, G-ma, you’re way up on me – I’ve only been wiping one ass for six years (unless you count my first beagle – he used to get shit stuck in his ass and I’d have to yank it out with a stick and then wipe his tushy). And why is it that kids like to provide all of that commentary when they’re on the can?! Man, all I want is peace and fucking quiet…

  2. LOL!!! I can so relate. I clean poop for a leaving with my kids, lol! Funny!

  3. HaHa – It’s funny because it’s true!

  4. That’s a long time to be wiping butts!! LOL I love the pic. What’s up with the bathtub??

    • Grandma Juice says

      It’s an EXTREMELY looooong time to be wiping butts!!
      And that tub…. Not a clue! It’s not my picture. I was flat out told
      ‘No way Jose’ to snapping our kid on the pot. He said ‘”I’ll NEVER
      poop again if you do that”… I kind of wanted to. You know, to test
      Although, if my tub did look like that, I think the least of my problems would be butt wiping!

  5. I have many years ahead of me! And I have to admit after chuckling at the kid, I wondered what was up in that tub!

  6. I have been wiping one ass or another for over 30 years!

  7. Hilarious! The conversations I have with my 3 year old on the topic of poop always leave me in tears from laughing so hard.

  8. LOL love this! My youngest is 4 and while she is out of diapers… I STILL have to wipe her when she poops… well, I could let it go but I don’t want to have to clean poop off the walls after every time she uses the bathroom. PLUS, she is a digger and I am always telling her to get her hands out of her pants! I hope she grows out of that by the time she is 20 or something…

  9. This is great!!! My 4 year old has a habit of bending over when he is done wiping and asking me if he got it all!!! Dear god I hope he stops doing that before preschool which happenes to start in 2 weeks!! Great post I’m still laughing

  10. lol thanks for the laugh today

  11. Thanks for the laugh! I feel like all I do is wipe butts with three kids under the age of three!

  12. Oh gosh that is hilarious! Little kids always seem to have pretty brilliantly funny things to say.

  13. Oh my. That is quite a story! That picture is too funny too.

  14. Hahahahah! “Do the germs get stuck in your butt?” Hilarious. Wow. My daughter is only 10 months, so I haven’t had any of these “moments” yet. Something to look forward to I guess! Hahah. I’m following you from Top 5 Laughs, and I DEFINITELY had a good laugh from this one! I’m Liking you on fb from my personal page so it will count in your stats. Have a great day!


  1. […] Next month, grandpa the superhero firefighter/paramedic and I are going to Vegas for a slot tournament where we plan on winning the $10,000 grand prize too! We will make everyone proud, and pull out our inner Charlie Sheen (minus the hookers and blow) and party like total #winning rock stars who have #tigerblood running though or veins… We won’t however go so far as to start our own Ustream videos just to further embarrass our children. Because really… that’s just CRAZY! #DUH … and then, all my hard earned fancy psych papers won’t be useful for anything… well… other than wiping the 4 year olds ass…. […]