Getting Old And Lying

Getting Old And Lying


Granmda… where the fuckety fuck have you been??

Well, answering that requires me to admit to being getting old AND and big fat liar to boot! So… Hi, my name is Grandma Juice and I’m getting old and lying. FUCK!!!! I hate admitting that shit! (the age, not really so much the lying, my morals are questionable)

*background info – in 11 days I will be 42. Don’t tell people that shit because I’ve convinced them all I’m going to be 38 (again… for the 4th time) That’s the getting old part to this.
A few weeks back I started stalking people reading people’s blogs. Let me tell you, some of you are CRAZY… and need a good therapist. Which I can happily provide for more than the cost of a cheeseburger (bad Popeye reference, I know) But, I laughed, snorted, cried, sometimes had coffee come out of my nose too! And thought, hell, I can do that!! People even say I’m funny so maybe I can even make someone chuckle while I dump this head of mine out and rip my friends and family in the process It’s therapeutic, right? Besides, I can always blame it on getting old!  BUT… realizing I’m a lazy little bitch sometimes (I can admit that with no shame… I am kinda lazy sometimes, SUCK IT) I knew it would not be realistic to keep it up daily. And this blogging business is some serious bizzzzznezzzz for you people so, I had to keep it real with myself. Besides, I am not ‘on demand’ funny. I’m a spur of the moment, non filtered, diarrhea of the mouth kind of funny. So, I bargained with myself…

Me – IF I let you do this, you must agree to every other day!

Me 2 – Oh hell yeah, I can do that!! This nut house gives me tons of stuff to diss on.

Me – So… you’re gonna keep it up?! No skipsies? No slacking?

Me 2 – Absofuckinglutely!! I promise! Pretty please! Pretty please with sugar AND a cherry on top!?!?

Me – Ok, but if you slack I’m going to have to cut it off. No second chances. Understand?

Me 2 – A huh!!! Promise! Promise! Promise!

Kind of like that in my head. But, that *old* thing crept in (again… but further) When I turned 40, the gray hairs started popping up. HAIR DYE!! Easy, cheap, quick fix. 41 brought on the wrinkles. BOTOX!! Easy, not really cheap, quick fix.

Getting Old And Lying! And Now For The Sad Kidney Stones Tale

Now comes these kidney stones. And let me tell you there is NO easy, cheap, not so cheap or quick anything about them! And they hurt! Like the baby is coming, times to push with no epidural, screaming, crying kind of hurt. Do you feel me on this? OUCHIE WAA WAA! Anyways, that’s where the lying part comes in… I’ve been in pain people!! The baby is coming and I didn’t get the epidural kind of pain! (visual aide?)

getting old

Like this but a white chick

So. I lied! I didn’t stick to the every other day thing. But, in my defense… I WAS IN PAIN!!! And… a cool little trick came along too. When you have a kidney stone and/or infection  (or UTI I suppose) they give you these little pills to stop the… uumm… burning… and the cool side effect is you pee orange Kool Aide!!! It’s a bit freaky but really fucking cool and it never gets old to see that kinda shit! It would be an awesome party trick! Or, a really great way to freak out one of the kids! Tell them it’s a vitiman, wait a few hours and listen for the screams from the bathroom! Instant entertainment! So… there’s a bonus I suppose. Anyways, back to me being a liar and the whole not pushing one of these blog puppies out (pun intended).

Me – You are getting old and you are a liar!

Me 2 – I know, but I was in pain!!! Can’t you feel it??!! What did you think was going to happen?

Me – Well, I thought we had a deal. You promised!

Me 2 – I did! And I do! But THE PAIN!!!

Me – Fine! I get it. And, against my better judgement I will let you slide this once.

Me 2 – Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!

And, there you have it… I’m getting old and I’m a liar (with a damn good excuse) So, from now on, barring anymore getting old ailments, I’ll be pushing a pup blog out every other day! I’m hoping to NEVER push out anymore kidney stones however. They suck ass!

And… in case someone knows of any easy, kinda cheap, quick fixes to stop my boobs from introducing themselves to my belly button, I’m all ears on that!


  1. MOTHER BITCH, G-Ma! I am going to be 40 this year. I am NOT down with the hair trying to turn gray. I also think you need to read the memo that came out that says whatever age you are turning – you subtract ten years from it and call it the “new___.” So, 42 is really the “new 32.” Problem solved. As for the boob situation, I feel ya on that one. Instead of trying to “solve” it (because I don’t have a sugar daddy that wants to buy me a boob lift – haha!), I’ve actually made my saggy boob syndrome useful. I now use my boobs as a compass/gps system. I always know which way is south, because that’s where my boobs point. See? ‘Nother problem solved!! See you day after tomorrow!!!! =)


  1. […] I list my ‘aging problems‘ for you? Great! I’m adding 1 more. Gas. Don’t give me that look, you do it too. […]