The Family That Lies Together….

The Family That Lies Together….


Stays Together!

Apparently. At least in my family. Because they ALL fucking lied to me! But… for a good cause. (don’t tell Grandpa, but no blow jobs for him until I’m drunk next week for the next month) Although, I have a family that lies!

So, I left off last time hoping I’d get through the ‘big bash‘ and guess what?!?! I did!! Mostly because of this guy:

Army Man

That’s right! My son, Army Man came home and surprised me for my 38th (again… for the 4th time) birthday!! Cool right!?!? I was SHOCKED!!! Like, fall out of this wheelchair, land on my ass, flop like a fish, call the ambulance ‘cuz I’m having a seizure kind of shocked!

Here’s the story, and really, tell me if I’m wrong thinking how fucked up my family that lies is…

Shortly after New Year’s, Army Man calls and says “Hey mom, I’m going to take 2 weeks leave and come home and visit for your birthday”…. We haven’t seen him in a year because he’s living the single life in HAWAII playing GI Joe for the Army, so I giggle like a 13 year old school girl… “SQQQQEEEEEE”…. clapping my hands and everything. I miss him. Like a fat kid on a diet misses twinkies. I tell my family, my friends… “Hey, guess who’s a big boy now and can pay for airfare on his own to come see his mommy on her birthday!… That’s right suckers, MY BOY!!!”…. Then 2 weeks later I read this on his facebook wall… “Sorry you can’t go home to see your mom for her birthday Army Man, she’s going to be bummed”…. What. The Fuck!!!! I shoot him a text saying exactly that… “WTF???? You can’t come???” He says “No, I have to go to the field I was going to call you later today”… Bummed isn’t even close to how I felt. Going to ‘the field’ means spending 30 days in the middle of nowhere blowing things up. And, they do this in preparation for deployment. Now, I’m not only bummed because he can’t come home but I’m in full blown, panic, mommy mode because he may be deployed. XANAX STAT…. I actually hoped this was one of those ‘My Family That Lies’ moments!!
We go on like this for a couple more weeks. Me asking when he leaves for ‘the field’, him never really giving an exact answer. Bla Bla Bla. Cut to the day of the ‘big bash’…. Grandpa says he needs to go in and cover for another hero firefighter for a few hours and I buy it, no questions asked…. quick kiss and he’s out the door. Text message 3 hours later saying he’ll be home in 10 minutes. Dogs bark, car pulls in… big hoopla noises behind me but I’m switching Wii games for the 4 year old and not paying any attention to what’s REALLY happening behind me… I turn around and see Grandpa video taping me with his cell phone. HUH? I look from him to Army Man and back… then again… my jaw is on the floor… I think I probably drooled even… (I’d post that little video for you, but because I have a family that lies, no one could ever bother to give me a heads up and say “Hey mom, maybe you should brush your hair… or, get out of your jammies, or… look even 1/2 human for a video we’re going to take of the SHOCK on your face… so, imagine me, looking like any normal day just SHOCKED)

BAM!!!! Light bulb goes off and I realize what happened! Standing there… he IS home! “How the fuckety fuck did you get here?” Hug, kiss, cry…. BAM!!!! Another light bulb blows… “I HAVE A FAMILY THAT LIES!!!!!” Mass giggling from the liars whom I call family, most of whom I pushed out of my lady bits in excruciating pain and wreckage to my taught tummy…. I think I said WOW a thousand times… Army Man did not have to go to ‘the field’. Him and his friends, LIED! Grandpa did not have to go to work, he went to the airport, he LIED! The rest of The Mix knew and LIED! Not even Teen Mom who can’t keep a secret to save her life told me! THEY.ALL.LIED!!!! I have a family that lies! And I’m totally loosing my mom, tingly, spidey, sense because I never suspected a thing. They will pay for this… But my boy is home. For 2 whole weeks! He’s sleeping in his old room right now as I type. Is it creepy that I want to go take pictures of him sleeping? The only one not in on the lie was the 4 year old… he would have spilled all the beans!

I think I under estimate my family…. Normally, they all play helpless and seem to need guidance just to wipe their asses. But, if they can organize THIS without me ever having even a tiny inkling of anything going on, they aren’t as helpless as they put on. Maybe I should cut some apron strings and kick them out of the nest completely to fly on their own? Naaahhh… But I’m defiantly not breast feeding anymore!

Needless to say, I made it through the ‘big bash’, even with the old MIL making it so I can’t smoke in my own house! And, the little side trip to the ER again on my birthday of all days, for this damn kidney infection from hell, that wasn’t so bad either. They have Dilaudid!!

So, what did we learn this week class?

  • #1 I have a family that lies!
  • #2 I wouldn’t have it any other way! and….
  • #3 Dilaudid right in the IV is just as good as a pitcher of margaritas.




  1. Once again, great story and great writing. Happy 38th birthday (again!)


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