Barnes & Not So Noble…

Barnes & Not So Noble… 

Ruined My Mother’s Day

So, it’s well past Mother’s Day and I still ain’t been ‘gifted’….

While you other mommy’s are already done enjoying your awesome gifts (ate that breakfast in bed) or decorated the ‘fridge (those trace drawings of the kiddies hands need lots of tape as they will keep putting their hands on them to see if they’ve grown at least once a week, my tip to you, free of charge cuz I’m cool like that) or have thrown out the dead flowers already, I sit here…. giftless, empty handed, not #winning, all because Barnes & Noble’s website sucks big hairy donkey balls. (and their customer service people, let’s say we think they are the ‘outsourced’ kind) I’ve decided, IT IS NOT THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!

So, this post is brought to you by…. wait for it….

GRANDPA the super hero/firefighter! TADA!!!!

He doesn’t know he’s posting of course but I’ll fill him in on it in a bit. See, he’s by nature quiet, polite, doesn’t blow a gasket when things get all hairy and stays all kinds of cool under pressure. Yes, my exact polar opposite! I yell, throw things, pout, cuss and kick the dirt and stomp my feet like a child. He’s the voice of reason while I’m off growing horns and finding my pitchfork. Or flying around the room on my broom because that is way fun… any hoo haaa…

For Mother’s Day, I REALLY wanted the new Nook Color. I confess. I am a HUGE book worm. (despite the outward looking Hot Mess I appear to the world) I also am a book HOARDER. Really. I can’t get rid of them. Books I mean. Not like the garbage and rats kind of hoarder. I can’t donate them, lend them out or bring myself in anyway shape or form allow them to leave the house once they are in my possession. We have 12436985601243 boxes full of books. I love the way they feel. The way they smell. Holding a book while reading just somehow helps make the story more real, more vivid and the picture I see in my head is more colorful… or some shit like that I can’t quite explain with words. I’m a reader not a writer in case this craptastic blog hasn’t convinced you of that yet.

So there’s been much bruhaha over whether I should cave to technology and get a Kindle or Nook to feed the book worm or keep stock piling the paper backs. I caved and asked for the new Nook Color for Mother’s Day. I mean, the thing TALKS to you!! And I need all the friends I can get, so… obviously! Anyways, Grandpa the super hero/firefighter went online and ordered me the Nook Color for Mother’s Day…. I was kinda excited and a bit giddy… is it here? Did it come? Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie….. I’m still waiting… It’s well past Mother’s Day too. Here’s why…

(this is a copy/paste of Grandpa the super hero/firefighter’s email to Barnes & Noble… with some ad lib from me, I’m still laughing)

So, here is what I sent. (he’s saying this to me, after sending the email to them… still with me here?)
Provided full name, email address, and order number. Fuck em. (he said “fuck ’em”, so ya know he’s seriously pissed)

This message is to notify you of how what should have been a simple web site order (#2103XXXXX) has turned what could have been a loyal and lifelong customer into, well, a lunatic of sorts. (a LUNATIC!! hahahaha)

Please forward to someone who cares and has the responsibility to note how multi-systems failures can lead to catastrophic events. And pissed off customers. And wives who don’ get Mother’s Day gifts. That is, if you have someone that does that sort of thing. Otherwise, delete and continue to lose money and customers. (even pissed, he’s offering tips, always the helpful one my husband)

I placed this web site order on May 8 (buying a NookColor for my wife for Mother’s Day *I’m late, yeah I know) through your website. I chose PayPal as payment method. I chose expedited shipping seeing that you use UPS. Great! I used my street address for shipping, and my PO Box for the billing address. (We’ll come back to this in a bit.) For some reason, the PayPal payment did not go through. I received your email advising me and simply called with a credit card number instead on May 9. After two days I noticed the status of the order had not changed. I called again and was informed that you needed the security code from my credit card, and that an email had been sent to me advising me of this. I never received that email. (he did not mention that he received a gazillion “buy our crap’ emails however, he showed some restraint!)

Okay fine whatever, here is the security code… its handled now right? Umm… no. (rhetorical question, again, this means he’s seriously pissed)

So I patiently checked the status of my order daily, and saw that it finally shipped out UPS on May 13. GREAT! Should be here in three days! The day before its scheduled arrival, it is in Kingman AZ, 40 miles away! Sweet. (FYI – If you google Kingman, AZ and look 40 miles away you’ll see how far in the ‘middle of nowhere’ we live and why I am jumping ship!)

Then I see it has been transferred to the Postal Service. What? Seriously?!! Are you F*****G kidding me? Okay, my language was worse than that, but you get the idea. I’m sure you’re thinking “Now why would that matter?” Well, let me explain. (again with ‘fuck’ = seriously pissed)

I LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (want to buy a house?)

And, the “Post Office” doesn’t deliver to street addresses. Yes, there are still places in America where a dude in funny shorts DOES NOT bring you mail. As a matter of fact, we don’t even have a “real” post office. It’s a sub-contractor. And the lady runs it like she is in charge of some Top Secret Military Installation and if your shit ain’t all in order, well then you’re just out. (Think: fill forms out in triplicate EVERY YEAR to verify you live here and qualify for a free little po box, two pieces of ID, power or water bill, blood type, DNA sample, etc.) And, since they DON’T DELIVER TO STREET ADDRESSES, guess what happens when they get a package with a street address on it? Did you guess? Did you??!! SHE SENDS IT RIGHT BACK TO THE SENDER! Even (especially) if she knows EXACTLY who you are and what your PO Box number is. (unlike me, Grandpa the super hero/firefighter does not exaggerate. The Nazi postal lady does in fact LOVE to send your shit back… In fairness to her, it must be lonely in the little box she calls a post office out here in THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE and needs some entertainment… I would totally fuck with people, but that’s just me.)

Once the panic attack had passed and I could breathe somewhat normally, I called your customer service number. I was mad. My wife still has no Mother’s Day gift! I did not write down the reps name, but he needs more training on how to deal with customers yelling at him. He got flustered. I don’t feel bad for that. Anyway, between the two of us, once he regained his senses, decided that probably what happened was this: After I called in with the credit card number, someone decided to just ship to the billing address! Billing address being the PO Box would make sense as to why UPS transferred the Nook over to the more than capable hands of our men in blue (postal workers). No idea why someone would do that, but whatever. I should still get it as scheduled. Asked unknown rep guy to make a note, which he said he did.

May 18 is here, and no Nook at the post office. I even stopped in the PO lobby just before closing (2:30 pm) to make sure they had gotten all their packages. “Yup, nothing today, check back tomorrow”. Okay, well that’s probably cause WE LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (want to buy a house?) and everything out here is at least a day behind. If not more. Usually more like years, but I digress. Again.

So this brings us up to today, May 19. One day past due delivery, 11 days since I actually ordered this thing. We had to go into the bustling metropolis that is Kingman Arizona early this morning (before the “post office” here opened) and happened to be in Wal-Mart. Guess what they sell? Nook Colors! I bought one. Wow. That was pretty easy. And no shipping charges or stress! On the way home, we stop at the post office. Guess what? NO NOOK! Even asked the Nazi-postal-regulation-lady if they had all their packages in. “Yup, check back tomorrow”. (notice how his tone has changed? He’s not so cool hand Luke anymore… kinda smexy, no?)

We get home and I log into my B&N account to see where the hell my wife’s Mother’s Day Nook is (cause I have one now). New shipping info! “Local post office attempted delivery, package is undeliverable as addressed. Contact sender for further assistance.” Well what the hell. Guess me and I-don’t-take-well-to-being-yelled-at-rep were wrong. It wasn’t shipped to the PO box, but the street address. Once the Nazi-postal-regulation-lady gets her hands on a piece of “street-addressed” mail, all hope is lost. (true dat Grandpa, true dat)

Time for another phone call to B&N customer service! So I called (1-800-THE-BOOK) at precisely 5:48 PM PST and talked to “Dave”. Dave was having some trouble understanding what my concerns were, and your scripts were not helping him much. He even confirmed with me at one point that “so you sent this back to us for warranty and you’re checking its status?”  “NO, I HAVEN”T GOTTEN THE DAMN THING YET!” was my considerate reply. Apparently Dave belongs to some obscure branch of Customer Service, and I was transferred to him by your main service number by mistake. So I ‘please held’ while he attempted to connect me to someone who could in fact help me. I put my phone on speaker and began texting my wife. General consensus was that “Dave” had in fact read the messages noted on my order by “I-don’t-take-well-to-being-yelled-at-rep”. And Dave was now staring at my blinking little light on his phone making faces and obscene gestures at me as I sat on hold. (we did in fact decide that ‘Dave’ was laughing at him and making obscene gestures at the blinky hold light. I pictured the Capital One credit card commercial and the dude who plays customer service rep “Peggy” here… funny shit… poor grandpa)

Fifteen minutes later (I am NOT exaggerating) ((No, REALLY, I’m NOT)) (((I used my cell phone to make this call so there is a record of the time and length of call – 28 min 41 sec))) I was connected with Customer Service Representative Vicky. Vicky sounded like a grandmother. Grandmother’s are tough bitches, but I was raised to respect my elders, and I found it rather difficult to vent my anger and frustration at what I imagined was a little old lady. (Note: this could be used by your customer service department as a new technique. Transfer irate customers to your granny reps (F-the “Geek Squad”, start a “Granny Squad”!) 1) Grannies can take it; 2) Grannies can dish it out; 3) There is still a slight percentage of the US population that respects old people, and can’t help but tone it down when dealing with one. (grandpa was spot on about all things he noted except all grandmas being ‘old’… I’m a GILF, he should have added that)

I let Vicky stumble around the mess that was my order in your system, while my anger slowly leeched out. Finally, I explained to her the nature of the problem, and the no Mother’s Day gift thing, why she couldn’t fix it, and that I just wanted my money back. She calmly and politely explained that there is a new program where she believes B&N gets a discounted shipping rate by allowing UPS to pawn the final delivery of a package off on the US Postal Service. Great. Way to save a buck guys. Oh and by the way, fuck you. That’s directed at the fat fuck sitting behind a desk somewhere in one of your office buildings, spending way too much time playing with Microsoft Excel spreadsheets and *tweaking’ numbers (he loves the word *tweaking by the way, you know who I’m talking about) and then pulling this scheme out of his fat ass to save “The Company” 35 cents on shipping a $312.80 order. Vicky patiently explained to me that my order would be returned to the shipping warehouse from whence it came, at which time my credit card would be refunded. She also stated that this “New Program” has caused issues for other customers as well. I asked her to please pass along the valuable customer research fact that this “New Program” blows and B&N has lost one customer before he even got started. (and notice all his sarcasim and use of profanities… PISSED! I wonder where he got that from?)

Unfortunately for this customer, fat-fuck-spreadsheet-MBA-jerkoff is sitting back laughing, cause he realizes that I already bought a Nook at Wally-World, so he got my business anyway. While this is true, I promise to you that I will never again purchase any merchandise from your web site that I can’t download to my computer or Nook. How much do you guys make on “accessories”. Well you aint making diddly squat on ’em from me, so suck it fat-fuck-spreadsheet-MBA-jerkoff and put that in your spreadsheet. Or wherever. (Truly, this last paragraph here made me SO proud of grandpa the super hero/firefighter, you have no idea!)

Hopefully my refund will go through as promised, and I won’t be forced to make more phone calls or write more books to you people. Fix these problems, address these issues, or just ignore them and hope they’ll go away like the crack ho down the road ignores her sores “down there” hoping they too will someday just go away. Or let em fester and lose customers and revenue. I don’t care, cause I only get taken by a crack ho once. Well, one with sores anyway. (I hope there isn’t something Grandpa needs to tell me)

PS: want to buy a house?
(yes, he’s really trying to pawn our pain in the ass house off on the Barnes & Not So Noble fucktards who screwed up shipping my Mother’s Day Nook! Gotta love him, right?)

I told him after he sent this that he is now on their ‘look out for this crazy fucker’ list and they will probably be coming to arrest him soon. Maybe I should reconsider and start selling books on the eBay for bail money?

Awesome, right? And now… grandpa the super hero/firefighter is enjoying his new Nook Color. I’m off to buy one at Wal-Mart and be among the ‘gifted’….

What did you all get and give for Mother’s Day? And… do you do the ‘re-gifting’ thing? I do, as long as it’s not a book. I’m a hoarder yo!