The Road Less Traveled

First, Happy Mother’s Day!!

Normally, I’m not a greeting card sponsored holiday type of girl, ya know? But Mother’s Day??!! Yeah, I fucking EARNED this one to be celebrated. Throw roses (yellow ones) at me… shower me with shiny objects (diamonds)… swammy at my feet and then feed me grapes while fanning me with big leafy fan thingys. And, maybe call Tim McGraw on the tele and ask if he’ll come over to rub girly smelling lotion all over my tired and achy feet…. I work hard at the mommy (grandma) gig and I DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED. If you can’t do any of the above cool rewards, a nice shout out and maybe add me to your blog roll then k?

Ok. Enough of that. I’m taking a detour here and going off roading from shit talking about my fucked up family humorous antics of my much loved fam and taking a page from Emo Girl’s book and getting into the serious for a few. I’m taking the road less traveled. If you’re not about the serious, I’ll give you time to depart the journey today….

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Still here? Awesome. Let’s begin. Please keep hands inside the moving vehicle at all times (safety first, yo), seat belts on, no flash photography, and anyone still wary of what lies ahead in the swampy serious mud flarp (I just made that word up) I have brought helmets for you. (I’m cool like that, safety first again yo)

So, let’s back the fucking truck up … It’s become apparent to me that…. I’ve lost my funny. My mojo. My ‘fuck it all to hell’… My UMPH has left the building (like Elvis without the bloat and gaudy jumpsuit) Seriously… I’ve become… mopey!!! I’m a whole lotta mope! And I do not like it one teeny tiny bit. MOPEY!!!!

I don’t sleep even when I swallow The Bein pills (Ambien makes me BE IN weird places), drinking into a stupor makes me get up to pee and really… what’s the point in that then. My head is scattered, can’t concentrate for shit… homework OUT, housework… well, that’s usually out anyways but REALLY out lately I’m not even phoning that shit in. And last week, I had a …. *whispering*…. panic attack…. the first in quite a few years. I’m all about *the pills* when ya need them but rarely do I take the hard stuff during the day because it’s tough enough to keep up with the 4 year old who’s got ‘issues’, let alone trying to while on the dope… I downed that Valium like candy on Halloween! I even considered that *edible* (wink wink, need a special card to buy) kind of candy my shot in the neck by Iraqi snipers, injured vet friend gave me for really bad days. Cuz, if ever I was having a bad day… this was it. Clearly. No, I didn’t dip into the edibles but just having thought about it, well… there ya go. I’m breaking down here.

First, our court date with Teen Mom is coming up. We have to tell a judge (in a black robe and who bangs a gavel, not like on American Idol) that our daughter is still too fucked up to have her kid back. And cross our fingers and toes that he takes into account the child’s therapy sessions, trouble in school (how does 1 get into trouble in preschool? UGH) her douchbag soon to be 2nd exhusband’s violent temper and abuse, and her lack of job, housing etc and allow us to keep him! We have to SHIT TALK our kid to save HER kid! How sad is that? I don’t feel good about it… but I’m doing it!

Also, ALSO!!! grandpa and I had a tough decision to make. I’ve S T R E S S E D over this. Written pro’s and con’s lists, bounced them like ping pong balls around in my head and aside from the jackhammer headache, not sleeping AND now OMG I’m having panic attacks too… we had to choose which fork in the road to take. Happiness or responsibility… Happiness = Moving, walking away, jumping ship (read here NOT sell the big ass house on 2 acres of prime AZ land and default on the mortgage, yeah… THAT!) Responsibility = stay, not default and remain miserable in this shit hole, dirt road, no stop light town with NO sidewalk for my crip chair to wander around and be STUCK and send the 4 year old to the shitty rural 1 room school that doesn’t have services to help a kid like him with ‘issues’. Stuck and MISERABLE… wilting flower, no mojo, no UMPH, no funny…. we chose happiness. Which, brings a smile back to my pale face but also the WTF, now I’m one of THOSE people who walked away from their house irresponsible types… and you know what stresses me out even more? I’m kind of OK with that! Does that make me a bad person? Toss that responsible shit right out the window cuz it’s is easy and that makes me queasy…. I know!! It’s fucked up!

And C…. I’m considering crumbling up the fancy psych school papers and going back to making $$ with ‘my little hobby’… I make the awsomestest (just made that word up too) soap, lotions, candles, foo foo girly goods AND made some decent cashola while doing something I really liked! I do like the psych stuff, don’t get me wrong but I’ll never be that 1 woman success story who started making the good smelly stuff in her kitchen and now OH! look at me, I’m on the cover of Better Homes and Garden’s and how was your day? Truth – I don’t want to be on the cover of Better Homes & Garden, I want to be A Real Housewife of …. (fill in any fanfuckingtabulous town) and we all know you need to have the cashola to be one of those crazy women…

So, tell me… when it comes to major life stuff… what do you do? Do you swallow the pills and hold on? Do you pick the happy? Or do you wallow in the “I’m an adult so I’m responsible suck it up and take it like a man”…. and, how long do you wallow? You know… if’n you’re a wallower?

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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

…Robert Frost

SUCK IT DOWN!

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  1. […] So I patiently checked the status of my order daily, and saw that it finally shipped out UPS on May 13. GREAT! Should be here in three days! The day before its scheduled arrival, it is in Kingman AZ, 40 miles away! Sweet. (FYI – If you google Kingman, AZ and look 40 miles away you’ll see how far in the ‘middle of nowhere’ we live and why I am jumping ship!) […]